Perinatal Loss and the Relational Impact to Couples

Special note from Candace: This paper was written for one of my classes. Both the mental health field and medicine are missing major components in truly providing care for couples in perinatal loss. This paper shines a light on the perspective of the male experience in heterosexual couples in perinatal loss. It is noted that all couples have their own unique experiences when experiencing perinatal loss. Your experience is your Truth.

If you are experiencing mental health concerns, it is recommended that you speak with a licensed mental health provider in your state. Please visit Psychology Today to find a provider who will be able to assist you.

Perinatal Loss and the Relational Impact to Couples

Perinatal loss has a profound impact on couples and their relationships; however, there is a cultural norm that perinatal loss is experienced by the individual who was pregnant as a medical event. There is significant evidence that perinatal loss is not only a medical event for the individual who was pregnant, but a mental health experience for the couple system.

Evaluating the couple system’s experience in perinatal loss, there are different perspectives and coping modalities for the system to overcome. “[T]here are few socially sanctioned mourning practices for perinatal losses and, with early fetal deaths or when there is not a live birth (depending on the state) there may not be a legally recognized birth or death date/certification to signify the existence of this significant experience” (Diamond, et al., 2021, p. 82). This gap leads individuals who experience tremendous grief zero validation of their experience. A lack of validation is leaving the couple system in a state of close system coping that could impact the homeostasis of the system.

Considerations are necessary to validate the unique gender experiences within the system related to perinatal loss, the systemic gaps within healthcare system, and recognizing the opportunity for a systemic approach to healing from perinatal loss. Heterosexual couples who approach perinatal loss as a system, strengthen their relationships and experience a deeper sense of understanding, connection, and support through therapeutic coping modalities.

Validating Gender Experiences with Perinatal Loss

Within a couple system, the sexes are unique and their experiences. When couples experience perinatal loss, there is no one right way to cope. Couples need to recognize that their partner may need to respond to the loss differently and determine the best way to work together through their healing experience (Gibson, 2021). When a couple system approaches perinatal loss, it requires awareness of the unique individual, the couple system experiences and how each individual needs to process, cope, and heal.

Research and society have put an emphasis on the female experience during perinatal loss; however, there are two people in the couple system and the male experience is often overlooked. McGarva-Collins et al. (2024) conducted a small study in the UK that address the male experience associated with perinatal loss. This study included 10 white, heterosexual males in committed relationships. It was novel as the research looked at perinatal loss from the male experience. Participants in the study express “feelings of grief, loss, and adopting a supportive role” (McGarva-Collins et al., 2024, p.250).

When men experience loss, they minimize their own experience to sustain the supportive role that the couple system needs. “When miscarriage happens, men felt considerable grief and loss and were psychologically distressed. Men then readily adopt the ‘support role’ for their wives/partners, and suppressed their own emotions often to the detriment of their own psychological health” (McGarva-Collins et al., 2024, p.259). While there is evidence that men experience grief during perinatal loss, there is a large gap within our social norms when mourning perinatal loss that impact both genders within the couple system.

Social Norms and Mourning

Is perinatal loss taboo? Jaffe (2024) highlighted that perinatal loss, or infertility is an invisible loss, and couples feel alone and isolated in experiencing trauma as it is experienced within the confines of their closed system. The couple system coping within a closed system can lead to a significant psychological impact to both the system and the individuals within the system. The grief that individuals experience during perinatal loss can be considered “disenfranchised grief” where it is minimized and devaluing the experiences at a societal level (Jeffe, 2024; Doka, 1989). Our social norms and lack of global support are failing couple systems experiencing perinatal loss. Adopting a multidisciplinary, systemic approach to assisting couple systems navigate the healing process could impact their relationships.

Systemic Approach to Perinatal Loss Coping

“[S]ociety must end the silence of miscarriage and male experiences within it. Miscarriages should be recognized, irrespective of gestational stage, as a psychology, rather than solely medical event” (McGoarva-Collins et al., 2024, p. 259). Perinatal loss is not a singular medical instance for the couple system, but a multifaceted event that impacts the couple medically and psychologically for an undefined duration of time. Significant events, such as perinatal loss, are creating openness within the couple system. Freedie and Oliveira (2024) through their study of 244 women who experienced miscarriages or stillborn found evidence that secure relationships and having a partner to support through the coping process reduced distress and had a positive impact on psychological change. Heifner (2021) found that couples who experienced greater closeness and strength after perinatal loss focused on qualities of open communication, supportive behaviors, and acceptance of everyone’s way of coping.

With heterosexual couples who approach perinatal loss as a system, there is strength in numbers. When the couple system experiences a significant event, coming together, understanding their differences, and communication can have a positive impact to their relationship. Couples that approach coping with openness within their couple system have noted the support and closeness after perinatal loss.

Conclusion

Men and women both grieve perinatal loss differently. Some couple systems experience a strain in their relationships when experiencing a significant event as perinatal loss is a significant life event. When couples consciously choose to cope with perinatal loss as a couple system, there are experiences of strength, support, and closeness. Experiences of resilience and growth were common when couples chose to honor how each other grieves and chose to work together to move forward in their relationship after a significant loss.

 References

Diamond, R., Chou, J. L., & Bonis, S. (2021). Invisible Loss: A Delphi Approach to Develop A Term for Individuals Who Experienced Perinatal Loss. Journal of Feminist Family Therapy, 33(1), 81–100. https://doi.org/10.1080/08952833.2020.1848055

Freedie, A., & Oliveira, E. (2024). Interpersonal and intrapersonal factors contributing to women’s posttraumatic growth following perinatal loss. Psychological Trauma: Theory, Research, Practice, and Policy, 16(2), 193–200. https://doi.org/10.1037/tra0001395

Gibson, D. M. (2020). Counseling women experiencing fetal and perinatal loss. In S. Degges-White, M. Kepic, & W. Killam (Eds.), Counseling the contemporary woman: Strategies and interventions across the lifespan. (pp. 385–397). Rowman & Littlefield.

Hiefner, A. R. (2021). Dyadic coping and couple resilience after miscarriage. Family Relations: An Interdisciplinary Journal of Applied Family Studies, 70(1), 59–76. https://doi.org/10.1111/fare.12475

Jeffe, J. (2024). Grieving an unborn child: Pain and hope. In Reproductive trauma: Psychotherapy with clients experiencing infertility and pregnancy loss., 2nd ed. (pp. 55–76). American Psychological Association. https://doi.org/10.1037/0000400-004

McGarva-Collins, S., Summers, S. J., & Caygill, L. (2024). Breaking the Silence: Men’s Experience of Miscarriage. An Interpretative Phenomenological Analysis. Illness, Crisis & Loss, 32(2), 244–265. https://doi.org/10.1177/10541373221133003